utopianlife

When it rains, it fucking well pours.  My mum always tells me, "Verena, the universe will never throw at you more than you are capable of handling.  If something happens, you are able to handle it - otherwise it wouldn't have happened to you."

Well, Universe, please stop fucking with me now. 

I flunked a finance test... badly.

I broke up with my non-boyfriend.

My stalker, from when I was 18, tried to add me as a friend on facebook and sent me a message.

This boy that I've been in love with since I was like 3 sent me a message, but never replied when I replied to him, making me feel like a complete idiot.

My apartment?  It has bed bugs.  We look like we've been robbed from when the exterminator was here, my stuff is all in garbage bags, and my gerbil is living with my mother.

My best friend from school?  He won't be in for at least a week, because he has H1N1.

School and work are still overwhelming - them in and of themselves are what I'd about count myself as capable of handling.

I'm broke.  Working part time and having to pay for life sucks.

My drivers license expired, and the department of motor vehicles are on strike, so I'll probably have to completely start fresh with that.

I guess the bright side is my luck HAS to change soon, right?

When relationships fail, or things go to pieces, it's so easy to blame the other person - he never listened to me, he didn't know me, he didn't understand me.  It's easy to find reasons to explain it even in a non-blaming way - we didn't want the same things, we didn't have anything in common, it just wasn't the right time.

When you're 21 years old, though, and have never maintained a long term relationship, it's  hard not to start thinking to yourself, "The common factor in all these failed relationships is... me."

Then you have to wonder, that crazy boy who stalked you when you were 18 - did you cause that to happen?  The crazy boy who tried to take over your life, be there every second, be friends with your friends - did you imagine that?

In all these failed relationships, were you just imagining problems?  Were you just imagining that you felt like you were suffocating when you thought about him?  Were you just imaginging that you weren't happy anymore?

I'm so torn still about my non-boyfriend - is good enough actually good enough?  I was actually almost convinced that I was done with him, because he's very very clingy and needy - it's definitely more cage like than anything I EVER want, nevermind too much too soon.  At the same time though, today he left an honest to god bouquet of roses on my doorstep - all red except for one yellow.  It gave me a new dose of respect for him - first of all, a guy has NEVER given me a bouquet of flowers before, with the exception of my dad and my gay best friend, which are entirely different things.   And I do so love flowers... but that shallowness aside, I'd told him I'm busy with school work today, and rather than push to come see me, or even knock on the door to say hi when he was here, he just left them there for me - after traipsing all this way - and didn't even bother me.  I have hope he's learning a bit of distance...?

Aside from that, yesterday I went to this party called Barnstorm - really really wicked event.  It was basically a huge cottage party - much like Glitch, actually - where everyone brought tents and such, plus they had really great live bands playing in the barn converted into a stage.  There weren't too many people I knew there - just Steve and Mica, Greg, and Liz.  It was alright though,  because I always had someone to hang out with; when Steve, Greg, and Liz were playing (Ernie was at the Canadian Country Music Awards with his other band or something, so Ninety Pounds of Ugly were without a drummer for the night) I still had Mica to hang out with.  When Steve and Mica were off being couple-y, I had Greg and Liz.  When Greg was doing networking and band shit, I had Liz.  And when Liz was fucking some random guy, I had Greg.  It was a lot of fun!

The Sin Sisters - Holly's burlesque troupe - had a garage sale today.  The sale itself wasn't too successful, but hanging out on her lawn with about 15 of our friends and drinking beer and margueritas on a sunny afternoon was worth it anyways.

Aloisia's been starting to plan the wedding - though there's no rush, it's not until July 2011.  Still, she's narrowing down colour themes, and I have to say that I'm impressed and relieved.  I was worried my maid of honour dress would be ballerina pink or something, but she says she's leaning toward deep purple or gold, so I think I could rock either of those pretty hard...

I also finished my first assignment for school today - fucking school.  Only two days in and I remember why I dropped out the first time.  Only two years minus two days left...!  Depressing. 

Now I just need to take a shower, maybe to a load of laundry if I have time, then head off to my Dad's place for dinner. 

I feel like I should be singing the Dandy Warhols, as I sit here.

I am a student again, for the first time in over a year.  I'm not sure if I like it yet - it's definitely a big switch from full time work and what feels like
"real life".  As I write this, I am sitting in Bridgehead which, for those of you who aren't from Ottawa, is the best place in town when you want a cup of good, strong, fair trade, organic coffee.  I am typing on my new laptop, sipping a latte - extra shot and skim milk, thanks ever so -, listening to some indie rock on my ipod (Said the Whale right now), with my book - Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen - strewn casually on the table next to me.  It's alarmingly bohemian, and almost sickening in the cliche.  Relaxing though, and just what the doctor ordered after my first week of full time school, and 27 hours of work.

Let me tell you, having class yesterday, then working to 11:45pm (which, for the record, gets me home for 12:45, give or take) and then having class at 8:00am the next morning should be draining as fuck.  I think maybe it's just because I'm a morning person, and on coffee number two - check back in a couple hours and we'll see how I'm hanging in - but I am feeling really good right now.  Awake, alert, productive... and it's sunny outside!  No complaints so far. 

I am almost positive that after a couple weeks of this, I'll be feeling barely alive;  for now, though, being busy appears to suit me just fine.

On a completely different note, here's my question for you folks out there in internet land:  does it count at leading someone on when you just don't know?  Is it okay to date someone, decision pending?  Does it count as wrong to have sex with someone you might want, you might need?  Someone you really like, for today at the very least? 

It's what my conscience is struggling with.  I'm seeing this guy - term used loosely in a dating sense, literally in a physical sense - and I just DON'T know.  Which I think is fine - I mean, isn't that the point of dating, no strings or labels attached? - except that he seems to be SURE.  He seems to be positive.  He seems to think I'm the coolest thing, at least for now.

This bounces back and forth in my head, and I can't help wonder if I'm doing okay - I know I want him, but do I want him ENOUGH?  Will it ever be ENOUGH?  Will there ever be someone who takes priority over air and water in my life?  Does that exist?  Or is comfortable boring happiness with someone who treats me like a princess enough?

A cup of coffee, laundry in the machine.  Incense burning, and music playing.  Plants watered, and dishes washed.  A long bath, and comfy clothes; a rainy day, just for me.  Hard to go wrong with that.

Being productive and doing nothing all at the same time is relaxing.  On my day off, I don't want to sit and watch 17 movies and eat oreos.  I don't want to sleep in until noon.  I want to get up - maybe a little later than normal, but still in the morning - and have a coffee.  I want to eat breakfast.  I want to get stuff done, at my own pace. 

That's what I'm doing today.  Relaxing, and being productive so that during the week, when I don't have time to be productive, I can be a little more relaxed too.

I
hear car horns and
see the moon I
feel my cat and the couch and the pen I
taste my tea and bitterness and freedom
smells of fresh air and rain and late night barbeque waft
thinking of my book my life my job my mess my nothing my everything
feeling (the other kind of feel) lonely and bored happy and sad definitely confused
all on a Sunday night.

I know you want him more than you've wanted anyone in a long time, but remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember why it's a bad idea.  Think logically for one fucking time in your life when it comes to dating.

Even IF he were to break up with her for you - which he won't, because guys like him don't - you do not want to be with someone who thinks that this kind of friendship is okay when he's in a relationship.  This isn't what you want in your life right now.

It is stressing you out, which is unnecessary, and you may be tired and lonely and tired of being lonely, but it's worth the wait to finally find someone you actually care about and who actually cares about you.

Remember remember remember remember remember remember.

Stop playing with fire.

Today was a great day.

I went to Bluesfest with a bunch of fantastic people, and saw some fantastic music (Land of Talk, Neko Case, King Khan, and Ani Difranco).

Then, I was waiting for the bus home looking, in my opinion, like a bit of a crazy person.  I definitely don't dress mainstream, and I was wearing my hair in two braids (because I'm still 10 years old, apparently), and it had been raining all day so my hair was a frizzy mess.  Then, this guy walked up to me and - I hate myself for being so judgemental - in my head, I went, "Seriously, fuck off", because he was a short gangsta kind of guy.  He had baggy clothes, buzz cut and trucker hat, the works. 

Then, I took out my earphones, and he said, "Has anyone ever told you that you are drop dead gorgeous?  I don't want your number or anything, but seriously... you're drop dead gorgeous.  Anyways, have a good night!"

I feel really bad, because I just sat there in stunned silence, then said "Thank you!", rather than saying, "You just made my entire night, and you are amazing!" which would have been more apt.  I was just too busy being shocked.

I really really needed that.  First of all, compliments mean so much more when people give them wanting nothing in return.  Secondly, I think sometimes, people fall into this rut where they only see their flaws.  They look in the mirror, and see only their fat stomachs, or their frizzy hair, or their yellowish teeth.  Only the little things that we obsess over in ourselves and forget that the whole picture is beautiful. 

Everyone is beautiful.  Everyone.  And everyone has different tastes in people, so for every single person in the world, there is someone else to whom you are perfect and beautiful.

Sometimes though, we only see our own flaws.

So thank you, beautiful stranger, so reminding me.

Things I like that most people don't:

- heights
- scars
- spinach
- rain
- daddy long legs

Things I don't like that most people do:

- stickers
- twilight series
- chocolate
- peanut butter

Dear John Twelve Hawks,

I don't mean to pressure you, or make you feel unsafe, but please - who are you?  Living off the grid and having a New York Times best selling novel is great, but I expect more than that from my "About the Author" section of books!

I suppose that maybe you are a paranoid person (which I mean in the most respectful way possible), or maybe Big Brother actually is watching us and you are the only one smart enough to evade it.  Maybe you are making a statement that your literature should have it's own merit unbased on author popularity or your personal life, or maybe it's quite the opposite - this is just a publicity stunt to make us even more curious, and buy even more books in hopes of a hint.

Regardless of why you have a secret identity, my request is this:  please, tell me who you are!  Are you an already famous author?  Are you some unknown who just writes incredible dystopian literature?  Are you a robot?  Are you Big Brother yourself, instigating paranoia in people to further your own cause?

I have googled you up the wazoo to no result at all.

It is making me crazy.

Just tell me who you are, okay?  I won't tell anyone - promise.  Two CAN keep a secret.

Sincerely,
Verena

I have this theory about timing, and love.  I think that love is all about timing.  I think that every single person in this world could be happy with hundreds of people in the world; not just one "soul mate".

I think the way we find our "soul mate", for lack of a better term, is when we meet more than who we meet.

Admittedly, we aren't compatible with everyone.  I just think that we are compatible with more people than we think we are.

This is where the theory boils down to timing.  Everyone looks for different things in relationships at different times in their lives, based on what they are going through, maybe, or their age, or any number of factors.    The trick is, I think, to find someone who is looking for the same things you are, at the same time you are.  I think that's three quarters of the battle in any relationship.

I feel like gloating.  A lot.

There was this guy who I dated - for lack of better term, though it was nothing serious - last summer (see note re: Planet Earth theme music) who pretty much jerked me around quite nicely.  It was a huge mess - he was a friends older brother, neither of us were interested in anything serious.  In any case, one night we came as close to having sex as two people can get without actually having sex.  It was fun, no regrets.  Then, I didn't hear from him for 4 days, and when I did, he told me he was done with me.  I was okay - like I said, it was fun while it lasted.  In any case, that was pretty much the last I heard from him.

Now, not ten minutes ago, I got a message from him on facebook.  It apologizes, and asks me out to dinner.

All I can say is...

HA.

Drone, drone, drone;
Tick and tock and the same again,
One minute, two, three, seventy,
Mono-monot-monotony;
Lather, rinse, and then repeat,
Repeat, repeat, repeat-peat-peat;
Milliseconds barely crawl on by,
Log in, log out, and the same again;
A wheel turning in my head,
Powered by one tiny mouse,
He stops to watch tumbleweed fly by,
And no one even notices;
Tick and tock and the same again,
Milliseconds barely crawl on by.

Tonight, I found some of that hope I was looking for - and not in the time or form I'd expected it at all.

The long and the short of it is that tonight, on my way home from the bar, I had the nicest cab driver in the world.  I got into the cab, and he said his "Hi"s, and his "How are you?"s, but it didn't end there, as it normally does with cabbies.  He carried on to as me how my night had gone, and I told him it had been good.  I proceeded to ask him how his night was going, and what time he was working until.  It ended up coming out - through conversation, not through him selling me a sob story - that he worked 3pm to 4am every day, 7 days a week, so that he could spend mornings with his daughters (5 and 7 years old) before they headed off to school, and how he was working so hard to afford daycare for his youngest.  His wife, apparently, works days, and since he works nights they almost never see eachother so that they can see their daughters as a trade.  He also told me that as of September, he won't be working such terrible hours and he won't be working 7 days a week so that he can spend more time with his youngest - in exchange for working less hours and getting paid less, he will take her out of daycare and not have to pay for that, but be able to spend more time with her.

At the end of our cab ride, he thanked me for a good talk - a sentiment which I returned - and I proceeded to tip him 4$ for a 12$ cab ride; and maybe that was the point.  But maybe he really did enjoy the talk - maybe this is how he passes the time before he sees his wife and daughter again.  And even if it was just for the tip?  It was still one of my nicest cab rides ever.

Do you ever sit and wonder what's happened to the world we live in? I am not a traditional kind of girl - I'm 20 years old,  not going to school, and occasionally like to punk it up and wear lime green leopard print and corsets. I'm vegetarian, pagan, kind of a hippie, and like to indulge in some unhealthy behaviours every once in a while. But even me, occasionally I look around and think to myself, "What the hell happened here?"

I always kind of feel this way about the state of society these days, but I think it's been kick started by the fact that in the past month I have been propositioned by three guys and one girl who have girlfriends, but are in an open relationship.  Now, first of all, it's a bit of a blow to the self esteem when people only want to sleep with you but aren't quite willing to put up with your quirks for anything more than that.  Secondly, I have no problem with open relationships, as I've said before, one of my best friends in the world is in one and is extremely sickeningly happy.  It does leave me to wonder though, does anyone still fall head over heels in love, and just want one person for the rest  of their life?  Does anyone find that one person that leaves them not wanting any others?  Does that even exist, or were people just less open about sexuality in the past?  I need someone to give me hope here.  While I'm okay with the concept of an open relationship, it is not for me.  So can I find that one person who drives me crazy in just the right way?  And will she or he feel the same way about me?  Can we be together for the rest of our lives, wanting no one else, knitting in rocking chairs with 17 cats and an herb garden when we are 70?  I'm not saying I think it will be easy, but is it possible?  I feel like standing on top of the world somewhere, and screaming, "Are you out there?", just to see who answers.

Relationships and sex aside though, I feel like a lot else is crumbling too.  There is this dog, near my mum's cottage, who breaks my heart.  She is absolutely beautiful - one brown eye, one blue.  Pale, tan fur.  - and very friendly.  She clearly wants company; she'll run up to you, so close that you might trip over her if you walk too quickly, but as soon are you reach out for her, she takes off like a bullet.  I just found out that the reason for this is that her old owner had a boyfriend who threw her off a third story balcony, and now she's at the cottage to recuperate.  Who does that? 

My little cousin, who isn't all that little, I guess, at 17 dropped into conversation last month when she was down visiting me, "Oh my god, I have the funniest story!  This one time, when I was on E...", super casually like it wasn't even a big deal.

So come on folks; hug a tree, fall in love, and take care of yourselves.  Give me something to believe in.

So you think I'm pretty?
So what.
I can be a pain in your ass like you'd never imagine.

I may seem docile now,
But just give me a couple seconds to adjust
(to you, to us)
And once I'm comfortable,
I will sucker punch you in the ego so hard,
You will probably never see it coming,
And I'll make sure you never stop feeling it.

So you think I'm pretty?
So what.
Take me off your fucking pedistle.

Look into me
(not at me)
And you'll see a whole new girl.
Let me tell you now,
She's not so pretty.

Enough with the expectations.

So you still think I'm pretty?
...so what?

I want you to tell me something I've never heard before,
Or at least to word the same old thing differently.
I want you to show me something I've never seen before,
Or at least to change my perspective.
I want you to look unique,
Or at least to do the norm well.
I want you to want me,
Or at least to pretend you see me as more than just a pretty face.
I want you to be here now,
Or at the very least to be here for now.
I want to know that you exist,
Or at least be able to believe it on lonely nights.
I want You.

The logical part of me hates spring.  When you think about it as an individual season, it is terrible; it's wet, not warm enough nor cold enough to ever be dressed appropriately, it's unpredictable, it smells wet all the time, and all the snow from the winter is dirty and melting to reveal all the winter's hidden litter and dog shit.  It's really overrated, as far as seasons go - people only like it because, in Canada, at least, anything that is a reprieve from the bitter cold of winter is pretty fucking fantastic, after 5 months.

The other part of me though - the bigger part, the part that is sitting here typing this, drinking green tea, burning incense, with the window flung wide open - gets caught up in the hopefully nature of spring.  It smells fresh, it's sunny - today at least.  There are birds chirping in the background.  Summer is on it's way in, winter on it's way out.  It smells like a new beginning, more than New Years ever could.

I suppose what I'm saying, when I boil it down, is that I'm a dreamer at heart, and though I should know better, I love spring.

Holy fuck am I ever in a storming mood.  Last night was just a fucking ridiculous night.  I actually did have a good fun night, but there are just a couple stupid things that have me swearing a blue streak when I think about them for more than two seconds.

First of all, there is this guy that I have the hugest crush on.  About a week and a half though, when I wasn't around, my friend Holly, kind of fishing on my behalf, asked him if he liked me, and he flat out said he wasn't interested.  It hurt a bit, in an "ouch, that stings my ego" kind of way, but no big deal - I'm a big girl, and it's not like I'm in love with the man.  I just think he's cute.  So, I licked my pride, got over myself, and let it go.  I figured we could be friends, and no mention need be made of it, since nothing ever happened anyways.  Then, last night at the bar, he comes over to me and says, "Just so you know, I may only be telling you think because I'm drunk, but a while ago I told Holly I wasn't interested in you, but really I just... well, I think Heider [our mutual friend] likes you, so he's my boy, you know?  So I can't do anything."  To which I replied, first of all, "But what if I don't WANT Heider?", and secondly, "And anyways, Heider is in love with Holly!" which is entirely true.  Anyhow, after this out of no where impromptu confession, he went back to treating me perfectly normally.  If he likes me, why couldn't he just act on it?  And if he is either not interested, or feels he can't act on it, why the HELL did he bring it up?  Fuck.

Anyways, then on the drive home, Alex - who I'd brought to the bar with me - threw a little tantrum that I'd apparently been ignoring him at the bar.  Then I pretty much exploded on him, informing him politely that I was not ignoring him, and that in any case, I am NOT his girlfriend, and it is not my job to placate him.  Then he apologized and tried to convince me once more to have sex with him - to which I said a firm no, first of all because of the girlfriend thing, and secondly because I just really don't want him.  When I said no, he asked me, "Would it help if I told you that I don't think things are working out with me and Nika?".  WHICH IS FUCKING STUPID TO SAY, and just plain unfair.  Even if he were single I wouldn't want more than friendship with him, but I wish he'd treat this like a fucking grown up.  God!

Anyways.  That is my rant.  Um... hopefully I can come up with something happy and nice to write soon, to counteract the bitch that came out in this post.

I had possibly one of the weirder - if more flattering - experiences of my life the other day.  I guess mostly weird because it was so unexpected.  I guess the short of it is that I was propositioned fairly bluntly.  The long story, though, is that one of my exes - my first boyfriend ever, actually, who I'm still really close friends with - told me that he wants to have sex with me.  The catch:  he has a serious girlfriend.  Wait, though!  It's not as bad as it sounds; apparently, though I didn't know this until now, they are in an open relationship.  It would seem that she has this theory that if she lets him have his fun, per say, now, that he won't cheat on her later in life.

Now, don't get me wrong: I have absolutely no problem with open relationships.  In fact, one of my best friends in the entire world is in an open marriage, and she and her husband are both fucking fantastic people, and love each other to the point that it would be sickening if I didn't love them so much.

It's just that, personally, I don't think I could be with a guy or girl who has a partner.  Not because of any ethical dilemma - sorry - but because I'm horribly vain, and I don't know if my self esteem could handle being anyone's second choice.  I don't care if that sounds wrong, it's just the way it is.  I pretend not to be, but I'm kind of sensitive, I guess.

It's not like I've never been propositioned before - I'm fairly good at smiling, laughing, being flattered, and gently brushing it off.  The reason this has thrown me for such a curve is because a small part of me is actually considering it. 

I really, REALLY don't do casual sex.  I have tried it, and nothing against it, but it fucks with my head.  Just not my cup of tea.  But the thing is that I'm actually really comfortable with Alex; we've known each other for ever, we talk about things bluntly and honestly, and - as terrible as this sounds - he's not that attractive, so I'm not intimidated by him in the slightest.

Also, I haven't gotten laid since October.  You try it and see how well you are coping by March.

I probably won't do it - like I said, I'm kind of a strings attached kind of girl, and at the very least like to be someone's first choice; to have them want me in more ways than just sex.

I guess it was just interesting, is all.  And more tempting than I'd like to admit.